The Adventures of Emo Weresquirrel
by The Prophet of July
Summary: DISCONTINUED Renesmee and Jacob have a son with a mysteriuos vampire power when Tanya accidentally changes him. A parody, written with Arastas. Read, Enjoy and for the love of all that is holy and Vampiric, REVIEW!
1. The Birth of Emo Weresquirrel

Hello readers and fans(who probably don't exist, but whatever, I'm just that cool)

**Hello readers and fans(who probably don't exist, but whatever, I'm just that cool). This is a story I made up with my friends Emily (His Crooked Smile --go read her stuff) and Maddie when we were leaving geometry one day. I was telling them about this black squirrel I saw in NY and I decided it was emo, and we somehow managed to relate it to Jacob, so yeah, that's how the Emo weresquirrel was borneded(which is a word, contrary to popular belief.) So, nonexistent readers read and enjoy!**

**The Adventures of Emo Weresquirrel**

_Chapter 1: Emo Weresquirrel is Born_

One fine day in Alaska, a deranged and thirsty Tanya was wandering the woods conveniently located behind her palatial house and praying with what was left of her sanity that a human didn't cross her path. Why she hadn't hunted for months on end is beyond this author; don't blame her for the absurdities of the vampiric mind.

When a strange and unusual scent wafted towards her, she was far too thirsty to notice that it was really disgusting, smelling a bit like a mix of her own kind, tantalizing human blood, and a lot of wet dog. Her eyes turned black with thirst and she went in for the kill. She lunged, tearing into the boy's neck with her razor-sharp and, consequently, uber-painful, vampire teeth.

"Hey! What the Emmett are you doing, crazy woman?" Billy Irina Black shrieked at her. His parents had wanted to name him for the dead Denali vampire, but they couldn't find a male form of her name, so they just left it.

"What does it look like?" and irritated and suddenly somewhat sane Tanya asked. "I'm drinking your blood, moron!"

"Oh," was all Billy said. Then he shrugged. "All right, then, carry on."

Tanya nodded eagerly and continued slurping at the liquid. When she was somewhat satiated, she finally noticed the taste. "Oh my Carlisle! What the Jasper _is_ that stuff?! And did you just use my friends name as an expletive?"

Ignoring the second question, Billy answered, "I'm half werewolf, one quarter human, and one quarter vampire," Billy said smugly, standing up and wiping the blood off his neck, which was already healed, thanks to his werewolf genes.

Tanya wrinkled her nose. "Oh, you're Renesmee's son, then?" she asked, frowning. "I take it she married the mutt?"

"Don't insult my dad!" Billy snapped. "He had a really difficult life, what with being in love with my grandma before my mom was born." He mentally cringed at the thought. H loved his grandma, but not in the sense that he would fantasize about seeing her naked. He cringed again.

"And my life's just been a big ol' piece of cake," the Alaskan vampire muttered sarcastically, rolling her dark golden eyes.

Billy looked into them… And everything changed. Suddenly, it wasn't the promise of embarrassing stories about Emmett or running through the mud barefoot in La Push that made him happy. It was _her_.

"I… You…" he stuttered, unable to put together a coherent sentence through the shock of his sudden imprinting.

"What?" Tanya cried. "Use your words, dumbass!"

That was when everything went black for Billy.

Everything was very dark, and very painful. But Billy was an uber-special vampire-human-werewolf hybrid, so he just said to the venom, "Hey, you can't change me! I'm half werewolf!" And the venom said, "Yeah? Well…Your mom!"

"No, she's the half-vampire one," Billy tried to correct, but then the pain became too much and he retreated into a corner of his mind, because he's cool and allowed to do that, and it stopped hurting.

Of course, he conveniently couldn't see or hear anything, either.

"Oh my Carlisle!" Billy cried, as soon as he woke up. "Random vampire girl who I imprinted on who changed me! You're huge!" But all that came out was chattering.

"Where in the name of Garrett did he _go?_" he heard Tanya shouting as though from a great distance. "And what is that very unappealing-smelling black squirrel doing in his place?"

Billy blinked his squirrelly little eyes, and suddenly, he knew the truth. His vampire power was the ability to transform into an all-black squirrel!! All black… "OHMYCHARLIE!" Billy squeaked, and it was literally a squeak. "I have turned into… EMO WERESQUIRREL!"

**So, my friends, that is how emo weresquirrel came to be. Tune in next time to find out what happens next! Send review so I don't get depressed and start wandering around Alaska, looking for a starving Tanya who can change me so I can go find Edward before Bella gets to him!**


	2. Emo Weresquirrel Buys a Cape

**Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Twilight. **

**Authors Note: Just for the record, I don't know if it's possible to have a 99% spandex cape. If you know for a fact that it's not, just go along with it. Also, if you have any ideas for other funny chapters, let me know via review. Or just review because you liked the story. That works too.**

Chapter two: Emo Weresquirrel Buys a 99% Spandex Cape

One fine day in the land of mooses and Palins, a few days after his creation, Billy Irina Black and his girlfriend, Tanya, were randomly jumping in a mud puddle for no apparent reason when Tanya burst forth with the sentence that would change Emo Weresquirrel history for all of, well, history.

"Emo Weresquirrel needs a cape!"

Billy, of course, agreed and said, "Indubitably!" which was his favorite word at the time, along with befuddled, schizophrenia (which he occasionally suffered from), and spleen. "But it has to be 99% spandex."

Tanya replied, "I didn't know they made them with less than 99% spandex. Who are 'they' anyway? Whatever. Let's go use my Banana phone to call the cape store!"

So the happy couple ran off into the forest towards Tanya's house, singing:

(_Tanya, _Billy, **both**)

_RING RING RING RING RING RING RING!_

BANANA PHONE!

**Boop boop bee doop bee doop**

_DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING_

DONANA PHONE!

**Only in covens,**

**But not in ovens**

_Weresquirrels rock!_

OW! My sock!

At this point, Tanya was getting quite confused by the new lyrics and cut the song short to ask what was wrong with Billy's sock.

"There isn't anything wrong with my sock. I just needed a word that rhymed with rock. But if you don't like my socks, I can get new ones."

Tanya looked down to check his socks, but he wasn't wearing any. Upon pointing this out to him, he responded, "Oh, well. I'll just get new ones when we go to the cape store. Besides, my old ones were only 98.99% spandex anyway."

So they went to the cape store, which was conveniently located in the basement of Tanya's house. They picked out many colorful capes for Billy, but in the end, they picked out the beautiful, sequined, mother of all capes (and of course, matching socks, tights, and over-tights-underwear).

Billy examined his godly reflection in the mirror. They hot pink color of the floor length cape complimented his skin nicely. He turned around to look at the back, and was very satisfied by what he saw. The gold sequins matched the color of Tanya's eyes and spelled out Billy's two favorite words in the English language: Yo Mama.

They purchased to cape and went upstairs to go take pictures to send to Alice for her approval. He was pretty sure she would like it. And now that he was done with his super-heroic outfit, it was time it save the world from the imminent doom of being taken over by non-emo Weresquirrels.


End file.
